Skip to content


August 25, 2010

Dear Journal,

Yay,  a job!  Great timing too!  Thank you, Lord!  Kids 2nd day in school and I got the job! wooooohooo.    Everything going together, except a little…make that big rift with the man. 

Gah!  Why can’t everything just go as planned?  oh crap that would be too easy! 

 Well,  the man called the house and my 14 year old would not pick up on the first call waiting *beep* which signals that someone else is trying to call in.  So he is screaming at her over the phone while driving home. 

 Then screamed at her again when home.

  I guess  she was rolling her eyes, and then he took the phone extension out of her room and told her no talking on the phone until the weekends, which just about killed her because she lives and breathes for her friend who’s a boy. 

 Well then, after 10 or 15 minutes of him yelling, I, I, I, I, started to get upset. I dismissed my daughter and then he got even madder. 

He accused me of never supporting him with parenting. (*oh just give it up already K?)

 I asked him,  “how long you want to carry on that yelling, you punished her, and what did you want her to do, stand there all night while you brow beat her? 

 So, then ya know what he says? 

 He said, “YOU WANT THIS FAMILY? YOU CAN HAVE IT! YOU WANT A DIVORCE?   YOU GOT A JOB NOW, YOU CAN HAVE EVERYTHING! ” (ME: *thinking* oh wait, I thought I already Do everything during the 18 hour days you are gone to your dumb Army job!) 

 Oh now, I was hot.  I told him, “Oh thanks for helping me rejoice in getting my job. ” 

 I told him now I know where his mind is at, and how much he hurt my feelings.  I really don’t know where he gets his thoughts from, but I really took offense.  

He apologized but… 

We shoppeded until we droppeded

August 22, 2010

Dear Journal,  

 I found my new favorite hangout today.  The flea market down the interstate 2 exits! 

 Dont laugh :-) 

 I got so many good things I don’t even know where to start. 

 Since the man and I got reimbursed for the moving company losing/damaging a lot of our things, it was important to us to spend wisely in replacing some of this, because the Army will never give you full value for a lot of your items that you lost.

  The first and best value we got was a king size comforter set and 3 decorative pillows for 30 dollars. (that is thirty)  It was all brand new and originally came from where everything there is very pricey.  I cannot believe this lady at the flea market sold this but then again,  some people get gifts as presents and they don’t really like the gift, either way I was glad she did sell it for 30 dollars.  It’s amazing. 

   I also bought a brand new (still in box and packing) red stoneware dishes set for 5  (that’s 5) dollars.  By then I was feeling pretty great. 

An Arbonne bath brush for 2 dollars, usually sold with the bath pillow for 29 dollars I got it for 2, (that’s two) dollars.

   I love this flea market.  It went on for days.  And if not for the fact that we were trying to save money…wow. I would’ve bought a lot.

   Nice quilt for 20.   

 A HUGE wall print for 25  dollars that looks quite a bit like it came from Home Interior. 

 Not surprisingly, the “man” got tired of shopping when we got to the part of the market where the booths were in the sun!  Texas is sooooo hot.  Triple digit temps drive us inside much of the day.

  The family did back to school shopping  in the mall Saturday.  Texas decided that this weekend they would not charge sales tax all weekend. 

 Well, then wow, that caused about a billion people to come out of their darkened, air conditioned houses, and guess what?  They were all at the flippin mall! 

 I have been Christmas shopping at malls before, and I don’t believe I have seen anything quite like the madhouse Yesterday. 

Even the grocery store today was crazy packed.    Then, it was on to find one of the girlz ~get this~ hot pink sheets.  Well, everywhere we went, they had hot pink sheets,  in any thing but queen size which is what she wanted.   This girl settled for black sheets which go great with her~~zebra striped comforter. lol.   

 By the time we got home, I had been shopping on and off for 6 hours.  My lunch was some mini nutter butter cookies and a milk.   


 Kiddos  are all set for school pretty early in the morning.  It’s been a wild ride summer with them around.

I do stuff

August 19, 2010

Dear Journal,

  Four more days until school for the girlz.  I cannot wait! This has been the longest summer eva!  My achiles heel being brownies, and boredom.

  Void of any real destination everyday,  the man and I are a study….in opposites.  He works his arse off and I am in a state of “OMG, do I have to walk to the mailbox today?”  

 Oh I do stuff.  I clean (however sporadically, somedays like a mad woman and other days not at all) 

 I cook.  spaghetti tonight, sloppy joes yesterday, and pulled pork tommorrow. 

  I cross stitch.

  I’ve read at least a dozen novels this summer.  The current one being: Travels with Lizbeth. 

 about a man who was homeless for 3 years traveling around with his dog.    It’s non fiction.  99 % of what I read is.  

 I am also now writing my memoirs of which none of my family knows…except the whole   world-wide-web   now. lol.   It’s been wholly enlightening to myself, since I had forgotten just how far, deep and wide, my parents have hurt me.    I  want my book to eventually empower victims of child abuse to get out.   I never had the power of my own accord to get out.   That was the total control factor in my story.  

Oh well,   time for some new habits.  Like working out.    We’ve been through more than a week of triple digit temps now.   Gotta lurrrvvveee Texas.  The upside?  The pool is open until October and the kids go back to school Monday! 

Just for today, simmer down, nothing to see here

August 18, 2010


   Dear Journal, 

 I spent the day inside, finally starting on those memoirs.  There at the kitchen table I typed for hours, purging my memories.

  I was very surprised with how much actually got put down on computer.  I knew that this project would be big. 

   With triple digit temps outside,  there really wasn’t any where to go.  The short walk to the mailbox with Sugar yesterday was crazy.  We were tired after one block. 

Sugar’s kennel is upstairs finally.  We got tired of her yipping and squealing after the man goes to work.  It took her one whole hour to get used to being here, but tonight,,,, tonight she went in there by herself and went to sleep right at her usual 1030 pm-ish.  Don’t tell me dogs can’t tell time! lol.

 The man came home this morning after night duty overnight.  It was around two-ish before he got up. I can say for sure after him having this duty assignment for 3 months so far, that it sucks the big wazoo.  This assignment is really crap and it is making me hate the Army.   It is not a place for wives or family.  It is a giant emotional sucking machine that rips your heart out sometimes.  18 hour workdays, no overtime indeed!   I see him aging on the daily.

 Anyway,after finally, getting his wits about him, he went hunting and gathering at Wal-mart for rotisserie chicken and fresh macaroni and cheese, with cole slaw.  Watta guy!  

   Then we took one  computer addicted little girl with us, and went to the Middle school track to walk it all off.  I gotta tell you, being on the track again, I almost  felt like I was back in Kansas.  It was great despite it still being 85 degrees still at dusk.      And that was my day.   I’m afraid there is nothing really to shout about.  Nothing bad happened, and I’m grateful for that.  Tommorrow’s a new day. 

Work: Not letting unemployment define me is hard

August 16, 2010

*wall mural @McNay art Museum, San Antonio, TX

Dear Journal,

 It’s  another day of sitting, sleeping, boredom, forcing myself out of the bed, library, lazy, waiting for the man to finish his 18 hour day. 

     I wonder what life will be like  when both girlz go to school soon and I’m home alone?   there’s a job fair next Tuesday, I might go to it. 

 I might not.   Why not cover all my options you say?

Because  I know I want the job that I applied for last week.  I might get it,  I might not.   

I won’t wait forever though.  I’ve been putting in resumes everywhere online.  I’m trying not to be defined by the word “unemployed” but sometimes it’s unavoidable.

  Waiting to be employed is a terrible thing!  It’s like being pregnant.  You either are or you aren’t!  I hate that! 

Why can’t you just flippin sign in on a sheet and start work?   Like first come first serve?   

  I remember when I lived in Kentucky.  I had a friend who was with me, and we went to this place that really DID let you work right away and get paid that same day you worked.  It was a factory job of course. 

 They really just dispensed with the formalities of an interview.  You signed up and it WAS first come first serve.  They shuttled you off to the factory in a bus every day.  The bus came every 2 hours.  If they had a spot open you just got on the bus!

  My friend took the job,

I didn’t.

  She ended up working 12 hour nights in a cup factory. 

 One that packaged cups up for restaurants.  She had 3 little kids, so I didn’t know how she accomplished this.  She lost so much weight, she looked sick.  But she said that she loved having money in her pocket every day to pay her bills.  I was even more surprised to hear that the factory was so loud, she wasn’t able to chit chat with any of the workers for the twelve hour shifts she did.   She just had to stand up and package cups all night.  She even brought home plastic sleeves full of cups for me. 

 I  ended up working part time in the clothes section of a store.  I loved that job!  Fold clothes and hang clothes. keep my section clean. that was it.  When the man came home from work, I went to work.  The kids always had one of us home at any given time.   In fact there had  been no time at all except the birth of my 3rd child; when I haven’t worked, and even that only lasted until she was 2 or so. 

 That’s really why all this “not working” is foreign to me.  I want my purpose in life to be big.  Not show off big but helping big. 

   Did you know our house is so big it echoes?    I’m still trying to wrap my head around being alone in here when the girlz go to school.

Which way do I do what I do?

August 11, 2010

*String exhibit from the McNay Museum of Art San Antonio, TX

Dear Journal, 

My girlz are growing up before my eyes.  They went to school to pick up all their text books and get ID made and things have changed since my day, so much.

  “He” the man is overnight in the field with about 200 G.I.’s (young soldiers)  He has 2 of these little stays this week.  I don’t know if I miss his snoring or I’m just bored or what. 

 The girlz and I had an okay day, going out to eat (fast food) and then treat at Dairy Queen (icecream).  I felt guilty about that part but oh well.  I had a chocolate covered strawberry blizzard craving.  So, I ‘m guessing, yep more jogging tommorrow.

  Life is all very non-descript now.  I guess that is the way to go at my age.  Just peace.

  I do want to make myself useful to someone, however.  I don’t want to sit around and do nothing.  There is an opportunity to volunteer at the humane society as a photographer, can you believe it?  My pics could be seen every week if they pick me.   Life is just full of options right now.

  I have to say though, waiting on a good job has been the hardest since we’ve been here.  I barely can stand the suspense anymore!  

  Anyway, in case anyone is reading this, didn’t mean for it to go too long for me writing. 

I still am weighing the thought of me writing a memoir in my mind.  Every week I discover new and ugly ways that my abuse has affected me over the years and I want to be able to communicate to people  how to get out of those toxic relationships at all costs. 

Photo Essay~Finding Peace on the McNay Art Museum Grounds

August 8, 2010